What makes New Jersey one of the best places to live in the country?

Looking to earn a little extra money this summer? This translation of Help Wanted ads may help find that percect summer job...

"MOTIVATED SELF STARTER": No salary, no benefits, no training, straight commission, no-draw.

"FAST GROWING COMPANY": We’re basically out of control and will consider anyone who can speak at least one language.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY": We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE": We don't pay enough to expect that you to dress up, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED": You'll be six weeks behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED": Pretty much every night and every weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY": Anyone in the office can and will boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL": We have no quality control.

Our Favorite oxymorons

You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.

You worked for the same company for 4 years and sat at more than 10 different desks.

You've been in the same job for 4 years and have had 10 different managers.

You order your business cards in "half orders" instead of whole boxes.

When someone asks about what you do for a living, you can't explain it in one sentence.

You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.

You use acronyms in your sentences.

Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.

You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.

It's dark when you drive to and from work.

Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.

The word "opportunity" makes you shiver in fear.

You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.

Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.

Weekends are those days your significant other makes you stay home.

Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.

Art involves a white board.

You're already late on the assignment you just got.

Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube and are read by your co-workers only.

Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes" or "when you're freed up".

You read this entire list and understood it.

Some (mild) Real Estate Humor

My buyer told me that he lived in the same house for 10 years. When I checked, I found out he'd still be there today if the Governor hadn't pardoned him.

Why do you have your front door leading right into the dining room? So my relatives won't have to waste any time.

The sellers told me their house was near the water. It was in the basement.

How much are they asking for your rent now? Oh, about twice a day.

I have a temporary mortgage. What do you mean temporary? Until they foreclose.

Realtor sign--We have "lots" to be thankful for.

Realtor: first you folks tell me what you can afford, then we'll have a good laugh and go on from there.

The dream of the older generation was to pay off a mortgage. The dream of today's young families is to get one.

There is no longer a need for the neutron bomb. We already have something that destroys people and leaves buildings intact. It's called a mortgage.

If you think no one cares you're alive, miss a couple of house payments.

My buyers went through debt consolidation. Now they have only one bill they won't pay.

I listed a maintenance free house. In the last 25 years there hasn't been any maintenance.

Did you hear about Robin Hood's house? It has a little John.

My agent was always smiling. I didn't think anybody could have that many teeth without being a barracuda.

If you want to know exactly where the property line is, just watch the neighbor cut the grass.

Houses today don't have enough closet space. Sure they do. They're just called guest bedrooms.

Trivia: The floors of buildings are called stories because early European builders used to paint picture stories on the sides of their houses. Each floor had a different story.

A lot of homes have been spoiled by inferior desecrators.--Frank Lloyd Wright

I bought a two story house. One story before I bought, and another after.

The house is only 5 minutes from shopping . . .if you've got an airplane.

This country is great. It's the only place where you can borrow money for a downpayment, get a 1^st and 2^nd mortgage and call yourself a homeowner.

Home is where the mortgage is.

A housewarming is the final call for those who haven't sent a wedding present

The best part of a real estate bargain is the neighbor.

The house was more covered with mortgages than with paint.

Home: A place when you go there they have to take you in.

Charity: A thing that begins at home and usually stays there.

A man's home is his castle. That's how it seems when he pays taxes on it.

Housebroke--What you are after buying a house.

Sign next to FSBO-We shoot every third agent and the 2nd one just left.

This house has every new convenience except low payments.

The trouble with owning a home is that no matter where you sit, you're looking at something you should be doing.

They have an all electric home. Everything in it is charged.

My buyers want a new home on the outskirts---of their income, that is.

A Happy Home is a place where each spouse entertains the possibility that the other may be right though neither
believes it.

By the time you pay for a home in the suburbs, it isn't.

A Modern home is a place where a switch controls everything but the kids, and it has gadgets to do everything
except make the payments.

The house has a wall to wall carpet and back to wall payment.

A typical home has a TV set that is adjusted better than the kids.

House problem: The oven is self-cleaning, but the kids aren't.

Our new house has one down payment and 360 dam payments.

Homesickness: What you feel every month when the mortgage is due.

BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

CHAINSAW CONSULTANT - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

CUBE FARM - An office filled with cubicles.

IDEA HAMSTERS - People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

MOUSE POTATO - The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

PRAIRIE DOGGING - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

SITCOM - (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

SQUIRT THE BIRD - To transmit a signal to a satellite.

STARTER MARRIAGE - A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

STRESS PUPPY - A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

SWIPED OUT - An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

TOURISTS - People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."

TREEWARE - Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

XEROX SUBSIDY - Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

GOING POSTAL - Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.

ALPHA GEEK - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.

ASSMOSIS - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

CHIPS & SALSA - Chips? Hardware, salsa? Software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa.

FLIGHT RISK - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

GOOD JOB - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" Job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

IRRITAINMENT - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The OJ trials were a prime example. Bill Clinton's shameful video Grand Jury testimony is another.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

UNINSTALLED - Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice-mail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an Uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance. *(Syn: decruitment.)

VULCAN NERVE PINCH - The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the arm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command Key, the Return Key, and the Power On key.

YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS - The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal, "We each owe $8, but all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps."

SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

CLM - (Career Limiting Move) Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often
profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

DILBERTED - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."

404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located." Don't bother asking him . . . he's 404, man."

GENERICA - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. Used as in "We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in."

OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

ASSMOSIS - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.

BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything and then leaves.

SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream, only to get screwed and die in the end.

CHAINSAW CONSULTANT - An outside expert brought in to reduce the

employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.

CLM - Career Limiting Move - Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are

often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were

designed to solve.

DILBERTED - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from

the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."

FLIGHT RISK - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.

404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message

"404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be

located. Used as in: "Don't bother asking him ... he's 404, man."

GENERICA - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same,

no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. Used as in: "We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in."

OHNO-SECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

UMFRIEND - A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed

intimate relationship, as in "This is Dyan, my ... um ... friend."

BODY NAZIS - Hard-core exercise and weightlifting fanatics who look

down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.

CUBE FARM - An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

IDEA HAMSTERS - People who always seem to have their idea generators

running.

MOUSE POTATO - The on-line, wired generation's answer to the Couch

Potato.

SITCOMs - What yuppies turn into when they have children and

one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single

Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

STARTER MARRIAGE - A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce

with no kids, no property and no regrets.

STRESS PUPPY - A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and

whiny.

SWIPED OUT - An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless

because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

TOURISTS - People who take training classes just to get a vacation from

their jobs. Example: "We had three serious students in the class; the

rest were just tourists."

TREEWARE - Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

XEROX SUBSIDY - Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's

workplace.

GOING POSTAL - Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it.

Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who

have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.

ALPHA GEEK - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.

CHIPS AND SALSA - Chips = hardware, salsa = software. i.e.: "Well, first

we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."

G.O.O.D. Job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take

in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

IRRITAINMENT - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were

a prime example.

DEINSTALLED - Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a

Vice President at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the

number of a deinstalled vice president. Please dial our main number

and ask the operator for assistance. " (See also, "Decruitment.")

YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS - The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs

everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We

owe $8 each, but all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps."

* Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming "do over!"
* "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
* Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
* It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
* The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was " cooties".
* Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a
slingshot.
* A foot of snow was a dream come true

* Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures.
* "Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense.
* Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles.

* The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
* War was a card game.
* Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
* Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
* Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.
* If you can remember most or all of these, then you have
lived!!!!
* Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from their
"grown up" life...
I double dog dare ya!!!!!!!!!!!!!